Looks like I’m on a roll with posting. Expect more in the coming weeks and days, as my schedule is slowly emptying and I will now have more time to focus on this blog! I want to get more into posting because it’s fun and therapeutic, and I hope to eventually share this blog with more than just my two close friends! Let’s see what happens…
The past few weeks has been a stressful and emotionally charged time. All at once I was finishing summatives, studying for exams, and working on portfolios for university that I had masterfully ignored before then. Everything came crashing down upon me (by my own hand) and I felt the crushing weight of so many crucial and time-consuming projects. It took all I had not to just give up, lay down, and cry. My whole future is resting on these portfolios, which I continued to procrastinate until only about a week ago. I have to send them in in a matter of days and I am freaking out. My days have blended together into what I can only describe as a perpetual anxiety attack. I’m slowly getting things done but as the date approaches, I am doubting my own abilities more than ever and doubting whether or not I can finish everything on time. I know I’m passionate about both programs – my lack of work until this point does not define my love for the topics. I am simply suffocating under the pressure of them.
Usually, school projects for example, after a long period of procrastinating, the impending deadline is enough motivation for me to work, work, work and finish the assignment on time and done well. However, the idea that these portfolios are going to decide my entire future…the impending deadline is crippling. Any reminder of it leaves me staring blankly at my laptop screen, unable to move my hands to continue working. It’s terrifying. If I don’t get into this university, I’m not sure if I’ll go at all. What if my friends get into their dream programs and I don’t? How can I be sure that my work is special, that it’s any different from the couple thousand other portfolios they’ll receive next to mine, that it will astound them or wow them or interest them, or show them my skills and passion?
I’m overwhelmed, to say the least. And I won’t deny that it’s my fault, because it is. I procrastinate without good reason and I do this to myself, every damn time. But I’m overwhelmed.
“But I tried, didn’t I? Goddamnit, at least I did that.” – Ken Kesey