there’s some people

This is a journal entry I wrote while I was in Europe. I had been mulling over the concept of “people you never quite get over” for a while, ever since a close friend had comforted me with that notion. People, in general, have trouble moving on and forgetting the past. But me, specifically, struggle with this even more. I’m not great with change and having to leave someone behind who meant so much to me at one point is not an easy task, though is it for anyone? This entry is my way of consoling myself when I start to feel guilty about not having let go of someone. As long as you don’t ignore the people still in your life, acknowledging the people who you left behind is not a bad thing. It helps you recognize how you came to be where you are now and it helps me thank  (in my head but still) the people who were with me as I got there. I hope it does the same for you.

– – –

Someone once told me that there’s some people you never quite get over. Whether it’s a friend you left behind or the one that got away, they find a place in your heart that has no exit, and they stay there forever.

For me, this is many people. I feel as though I’ve left a trail of them in my wake, but they’re all tied to me somehow and I drag them with me everywhere.

Specifically though, this is one person. A person I’ve carried in my heart for less time than the others but who weighs me down the most and who causes the biggest heartache. They are the one that got away; the infamous love, or rather high school crush, who hitched a ride within me and has yet to reach their stop.

I think about that person a lot. More than I should. More than I’d like to admit. Every time I see them, my heart flutters and I am flooded with memories and more heartache. I bathe in self-loathing as I realize they still exist in my heart and even worse, that maybe they always will. I hate myself for it, because this person has moved on. They were never stuck on me like this in the first place, but they’ve had flings, grown to be a completely different person, and they don’t really acknowledge me anymore. But even still, I find myself checking their Instagram and daydreaming about them. I sometimes just wonder how they’re doing.

But don’t we all have these people? The ones who will always take up a space in our hearts and we say we don’t love them anymore or care for them anymore, but they still stay there? Because underneath all our excuses, we will always love and care for them. They were once a part of our lives, big or small, who knows. But that has to count for something? They helped us on our journey – influencing and changing us for the better, teaching us integral lessons, and supporting us throughout. We will always hold them in our hearts because we carried them there willingly at one point. We will always love and care for them, check their Instagrams, and wonder how they’re doing, because we did so on purpose at one point – and because we have trouble forgetting the past. Excusing someone from your heart isn’t something easy to do.

Someone once told me that there’s people you never quite get over. And so I will carry these people in my heart for as long as I live, and they will burden me, but I will always love them.

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