there’s a first for everything

The first of anything is a nerve-wracking/thrilling experience. The first of anything terrifies me. It’s like jumping headfirst into a lake, but your eyes are closed so you don’t know if it’s a warm summer lake or if it’s filled with piranhas or if it’s actually lava.

To make matters worse, as an individual with anxiety I find it even more intimidating. I build up these expectations in my mind and psych myself out for it, so when it actually comes down to it, my stomach drops and my breath catches in my throat and all the things I hoped or thought would happen swirl around in my head, reminding me that I have no clue what I’m doing.

All these feelings and nerves cause me to postpone many firsts, which only makes things worse in the long run. Meaning that every time the moment arrives, I find some way to avoid it. Then when I think I’ve come to terms with it and I feel ready, and the moment arrives once more, the hopes I had for it crush me under their weight and I’m too afraid to mess it up – so I dodge it again. This creates an evil evil cycle and eventually I’m way past the age considered the “norm” for the first and I feel like a weirdo.

I know, I know that everyone reaches certain points at their own pace. Trust me, that notion has been drilled into my brain after countless conversations with one specific friend and an embarrassing amount of googling. However, it does not calm my own internal worries about being a late bloomer or a general awkward human who can’t just fucking do something. It’s not like I’m only dealing with these firsts so late because I was still coming to terms with them. I want to do all these things, I know I do. But either the opportunity never arose or it did and I evaded it.

And now I’ve reached this point where I’m so tired of not having done what the vast majority of my peers have done. I’m so tired of feeling like an outsider because of it. As if the idea that I haven’t done something totally random and irrelevant is so groundbreaking and can only be whispered amongst close friends. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing, but I’m going to do it. Whatever it is. So, consider this a vow or a promise or a something, but from this point on, I am going to try my best to throw aside my anxiety surrounding firsts and just get them over with. Who knows if I’ll actually follow through, but regardless, an empty promise is better than no promise…right? No? Well…whatever.

– – –

This is a very personal and diary-esque post, but it’s one that just came to me and I wanted to communicate my thoughts. I mean, no one really reads this blog anyway, so what’s the harm.

“The best advice I’ve ever received: ‘no one else knows what they are doing either.” – Charles Bukowski

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