who even cares

I’ve wrestled with the concept of doing what I want and not worrying about other people’s opinions for years now. Intellectually, I know that nobody really cares what myself or anyone else does and if they do, it shouldn’t matter. But actually saying “fuck it all” and doing whatever I want is a whole other thing than just coming to terms with the idea.

However, in the past few weeks, I’ve slowly been experimenting with exploring different ways of expressing myself — whether that be through makeup or clothing. I have developed an interest in runway/editorial style makeup, which is a whole lot more strange and avant-garde than regular makeup, or what I have dubbed “Instagram makeup.” I much prefer something messy and bold over shapely eyebrows and cut creases. It does get intimidating though; walking into school with bright red eyeliner or overly blushed cheeks (which I achieve on purpose). Otherwise, I’m also trying to get out of a slump with my clothes — using pieces in ways I hadn’t thought of before, while also growing comfortable with the style I have cultivated for myself.

High school is the ultimate time for testing the waters, other than university I suppose, and I’m slightly annoyed I didn’t snatch up the opportunity sooner. Though, with a little over two months left, I feel this is the ultimate time within the ultimate time. After these months are up, I’ll only ever see a portion of these people again and I likely won’t care about what they think. Now is the time to be weird, climb out of the box, try new things, and just do whatever the hell I want.

All these things have been swirling around in my head for some time now, like I said. I’ve managed to wear that red eyeliner to school and be a little more interesting with my clothes. There has been times where I held back, but it’s all in the name of progress. Eventually, I’ll do the things I felt uncomfortable doing too. And there’s one thing that helps when I’m unsure of something, when I’m standing in my bedroom mirror mulling over an outfit or a makeup look. I say, out loud, to myself: “It doesn’t even matter. Who even cares?”

“So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.” – Sheryl Sandberg

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