quick lil update

Well well well…it has been awhile!

I’m not too happy about the hiatus I took, honestly. I kept meaning to come back and keep posting, but every time I went to write, I found something else to do. Basically, I’m leaning on the catch-all shitty excuse that “life got in the way.” I won’t say much else, but rather I’ll work on posting more often and also work on improving my content!

Plans for the future of this blog:

  • Post more fashion-related things, such as look books!
  • Write longer and more thoughtful posts – AKA don’t just copy thought dumps from my journal. Instead, I’ll sit down and plan out posts; adding photos, videos maybe, and overall write higher quality content.
  • Make a Youtube channel?!??!?!???????
    • This one is very much a baby of an idea. I just like the concept of making fashion and makeup videos, as well as posting vlog-type things!
    • I have no clue if this will happen, considering I have no camera and only a very basic knowledge of editing.

I apologize to the few crickets that read this blog. My absence was much longer than expected, but I am fully ready to get back into posting! I miss this blog!

Expect posts to come in the next week or so, as well as a little life update!

lost time

– – –

This is a poem I wrote maybe ten or so minutes ago. It came out of me so effortlessly and it encapsulates wholly and completely my feelings at the moment.

I’ve always dabbled in poetry, but never practiced it or got serious with it. Lately though, I’ve been doing it more often. It’s a quick and easy way to spill some emotions onto paper without getting too complicated. Maybe I’ll post more in the future.

“Doesn’t it scare you that you’ve wasted more than half your life hating yourself? It should.” – Michelle K.

who even cares

I’ve wrestled with the concept of doing what I want and not worrying about other people’s opinions for years now. Intellectually, I know that nobody really cares what myself or anyone else does and if they do, it shouldn’t matter. But actually saying “fuck it all” and doing whatever I want is a whole other thing than just coming to terms with the idea.

However, in the past few weeks, I’ve slowly been experimenting with exploring different ways of expressing myself — whether that be through makeup or clothing. I have developed an interest in runway/editorial style makeup, which is a whole lot more strange and avant-garde than regular makeup, or what I have dubbed “Instagram makeup.” I much prefer something messy and bold over shapely eyebrows and cut creases. It does get intimidating though; walking into school with bright red eyeliner or overly blushed cheeks (which I achieve on purpose). Otherwise, I’m also trying to get out of a slump with my clothes — using pieces in ways I hadn’t thought of before, while also growing comfortable with the style I have cultivated for myself.

High school is the ultimate time for testing the waters, other than university I suppose, and I’m slightly annoyed I didn’t snatch up the opportunity sooner. Though, with a little over two months left, I feel this is the ultimate time within the ultimate time. After these months are up, I’ll only ever see a portion of these people again and I likely won’t care about what they think. Now is the time to be weird, climb out of the box, try new things, and just do whatever the hell I want.

All these things have been swirling around in my head for some time now, like I said. I’ve managed to wear that red eyeliner to school and be a little more interesting with my clothes. There has been times where I held back, but it’s all in the name of progress. Eventually, I’ll do the things I felt uncomfortable doing too. And there’s one thing that helps when I’m unsure of something, when I’m standing in my bedroom mirror mulling over an outfit or a makeup look. I say, out loud, to myself: “It doesn’t even matter. Who even cares?”

“So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.” – Sheryl Sandberg

take a walk

A lot of the writing I’ve been doing lately (or had time to do or been able to finish because I’m being graded) is for my Writer’s Craft class. The last unit we worked on was memoirs, and for my final assignment, I had to write one about my life. If you don’t know, a memoir is somewhat like an autobiography but rather than looking at your whole life, you focus on one specific part or “episode”.

The “episode” I wrote about was a terrible two weeks I experienced last November, where I reached what I would consider my lowest point so far in my life. I won’t say much more, so as not to give anything away, but this piece took a fair amount of effort to put into words because of how personal it is. I’m pretty proud of it, though it could be better. Whatever, I’m sharing it anyway!

Continue reading “take a walk”

cherry baby

“feelin’ some typa primary colour red way” – 27/3/17

  • Got Body – LION BABE
  • Love$ick – Mura Masa
  • Green Light – Lorde
  • Redbone – Childish Gambino
  • Selfish – PnB Rock
  • Blow Your Mind (Mwah) – Dua Lipa
  • Passionfruit – Drake
  • Show Me Love – Hundred Waters ft. Chance The Rapper
  • Winter – Khalid
  • Reasons – Khalid
  • Cold Blooded – Khalid
  • How Are You True – Cage The Elephant
  • Portuguese Knife Fight – Cage The Elephant
  • Kathleen – Catfish and the Bottlemen
  • 8TEEN – Khalid
  • Trouble – Cage The Elephant
  • Steady, As She Goes – The Raconteurs
  • Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go) – Garbage
  • Blossom – Milky Chance
  • Modern Flame – Emmit Fenn ft. Yuna
  • Warm On A Cold Night – HONNE
  • Coastal Love – HONNE
  • ILYSB (Stripped) – LANY
  • Good Together – HONNE
  • All In The Value – HONNE
  • The Night – HONNE
  • It Ain’t Wrong Loving You – HONNE
  • Without You – Oh Wonder
  • Treat You Right – HONNE

– – –

I’m all about playlists that fit a specific mood, perfect for listening to when you’re feeling some specific type of way. However, I am mediocre at best when it comes to creating such playlists. I want to get better, so I made this. “cherry baby” is all about loooove and happy feelings. Some songs are for dancing around, some are for sitting and thinking…I’m still working on it but I like where it’s going. I also love sharing my music with people, so the few crickets who visit this blog can enjoy my recommendations!

“From this heart

you will

never depart”

– Bruce Adler

there’s a first for everything

The first of anything is a nerve-wracking/thrilling experience. The first of anything terrifies me. It’s like jumping headfirst into a lake, but your eyes are closed so you don’t know if it’s a warm summer lake or if it’s filled with piranhas or if it’s actually lava.

To make matters worse, as an individual with anxiety I find it even more intimidating. I build up these expectations in my mind and psych myself out for it, so when it actually comes down to it, my stomach drops and my breath catches in my throat and all the things I hoped or thought would happen swirl around in my head, reminding me that I have no clue what I’m doing.

All these feelings and nerves cause me to postpone many firsts, which only makes things worse in the long run. Meaning that every time the moment arrives, I find some way to avoid it. Then when I think I’ve come to terms with it and I feel ready, and the moment arrives once more, the hopes I had for it crush me under their weight and I’m too afraid to mess it up – so I dodge it again. This creates an evil evil cycle and eventually I’m way past the age considered the “norm” for the first and I feel like a weirdo.

I know, I know that everyone reaches certain points at their own pace. Trust me, that notion has been drilled into my brain after countless conversations with one specific friend and an embarrassing amount of googling. However, it does not calm my own internal worries about being a late bloomer or a general awkward human who can’t just fucking do something. It’s not like I’m only dealing with these firsts so late because I was still coming to terms with them. I want to do all these things, I know I do. But either the opportunity never arose or it did and I evaded it.

And now I’ve reached this point where I’m so tired of not having done what the vast majority of my peers have done. I’m so tired of feeling like an outsider because of it. As if the idea that I haven’t done something totally random and irrelevant is so groundbreaking and can only be whispered amongst close friends. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing, but I’m going to do it. Whatever it is. So, consider this a vow or a promise or a something, but from this point on, I am going to try my best to throw aside my anxiety surrounding firsts and just get them over with. Who knows if I’ll actually follow through, but regardless, an empty promise is better than no promise…right? No? Well…whatever.

– – –

This is a very personal and diary-esque post, but it’s one that just came to me and I wanted to communicate my thoughts. I mean, no one really reads this blog anyway, so what’s the harm.

“The best advice I’ve ever received: ‘no one else knows what they are doing either.” – Charles Bukowski